Codependency

Understanding codependency, Your Self Awareness, Learning to Parent Yourself, Learning to Validate your emotions, trauma, whether you’re highly sensitive or overly emotional.

UNTANGLING YOURSELF-from Others, Owning the emotion & Getting to know yourself by Loving yourself with compassion. Codependents get themselves entangled in other people’s problems trying to fix, control, rescue, give advice, or force solutions on people who often don’t want or may need change. These behaviors, although meaning well, are frustrating for everyone involved. We get frustrated because we usually can’t affect change. Focusing on other people’s problems  distracts us from owning our part in the problems & changing ourselves. These controlling & rescuing behaviors strain relationships. Loved ones resent our demanding & ultimatums. Our emotions may also be dependent on other people’s feelings. It might be that when your Other is in a good mood, you’re in a good mood and when they’re in a bad mood, you are in a bad mood. You may have difficulty recognizing your own feelings; you’ve become detached from yourself because you’re constantly concerned about how other people feel. We can untangle ourselves from others by learning to detach with love and stop enabling. Detaching is similar to setting healthy boundaries. Detaching puts healthy emotional, physical space between you & Others, so you & the Other have freedom to make your own choices, & have your own feelings. Detaching can include leaving uncomfortable, unsafe situations, saying “no”, or refraining yourself from giving advice.

Reflection: Do you enable, tangle yourself up in other people’s lives or problems? What boundaries will help you detach, prioritize your needs? How do you feel? .

OWNING YOUR PART- Denial is a self-protective measure that we use to deal with our overwhelming pain. Denial tries to shield us from our anger, despair, shame, it becomes a barrier to changing codependent patterns. We struggle to own our part in dysfunctional relationships, we tend to blame others. When we blame others, we act like victims, putting our happiness on whether other people will change. Gaining awareness means accepting responsibility, but not assuming responsibility for what other adults do. You aren’t responsible for others decisions. You are responsible for your happiness, health, which means you have choices and can take charge.

Reflection: If you’re having trouble seeing a situation objectively, do you have a trusted friend who can help see things from a different perspective? Do you blame others for your unhappiness? Can you empower yourself , solving your problems?

KNOWING YOURSELF– codependent families prevents us from developing a understanding of ourselves. Fear is used to force us to conform to family norms & we weren’t allowed or encouraged to explore our own interests,  beliefs during childhood. We learn to suppress who we are to please others. In adulthood, we stay  or focus on other people,  that we really don’t know who we are, what we like, or what we want. We become defined by our roles, instead of the complex individuals that we are. Codependency recovering has to include getting to know ourselves.Getting to know ourselves isn’t selfish, its healthy & respect for ourselves. It means that we care about ourselves, we are curious about who we are.

Reflection: What do you like to do? How do you like to be treated? What are your goals? What do you believe?

LOVE YOURSELF– We do this through COMPASSION, accepting imperfections & mistakes, self care & Self-love, being kind to yourself, instead of being critical about your flaws. Self-love is your basic physical need,  getting sleep, eating healthy food, exercise, taking medications your doctor has prescribed,  setting boundaries, your opinions, asking for what you need, making time for fun, social connection. If you’re not used to taking care of yourself, it will feel uncomfortable for a while, but with each step of compassion, self-care, you are taking solid steps to love yourself.

Reflection: What is one thing you can do for your emotional health everyday? What is one thing you can do for your physical health everyday? What are you saying to yourself when you make mistakes? What can you tell yourself that would be understanding, supportive & compassionate?

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Selflove & Selfcare SELFISH TO OTHERS?!

Is selflove & selfcare selfish to others? I’ve spent long years telling myself I cannot afford to slowdown, To have even 10 minutes of me time, I have to hustle and work more. Doing that for too long, you will find yourself incredibly exhausted.

It’s time for things to change. Self-care  spending a few minutes each day doing nothing. No thinking, no social media, nothing. Get in touch with your body, your inner self.

It starts from there. Reasons you shouldn’t feel selfish for taking care of yourself.

Authenticity. The moment you decide to give yourself a few minutes of the day, you’re also allowing yourself to be more authentic. If you think you already do, think again.

Try it for a month, don’t wait for the weekends; put in a little extra effort and commit to doing something every day for yourself. It won’t take long before you see some parts of yourself you never thought existed. It allows you to determine which parts are authentically yours and which aren’t—we all have aspects in us that are copied from someone else.

You can only help others if you’re helping yourself first, physically, mentally and spiritually. Desire, passion are not enough. You need a healthy body, open mind to function, which aren’t present if you’re filled with self-doubt. It’s not going to be easy, but worth it. The road to self-care is a tricky one. But it’s necessary. Pretending to be strong 24/7 doesn’t last long. The strength must come from within. It helps you go from existing to living.

Existing is simply being on this tiny blue dot called Earth. Living is experiencing everything this tiny blue dot has to offer. Which are you doing? Are you going to wait for your retirement before you decide you want to enjoy life? for yourself? Although we have responsibilities paying bills, raising children, etc.

We’re also responsible for taking care of ourselves. It will help you find your purpose. You’ve probably asked that question countless times. You might have days, weeks or months where you feel down, unsatisfied, feeling like there should be something more. It’s your body signaling you to take a leap into the unknown, because your purpose is out there, waiting.

How do you know when you find it? You just do. Self-care means trusting yourself. It means being willing to go out in the wild or dig deep. It might be scary, but there’s really no other way to figure out what you’re supposed to do in this world. Practicing self-care and building trust between you and your inner self will help you find purpose in life.

Self-care can be Empowering, as you need it to be.

 Selfcare is not narcissism
For years now  people say that they are being selfish or narcissistic. The suggestion to take care of yourself first gets a bad rap when we begin to do so in the sense that it says “no” to someone else; or we don’t like what the art of taking care of self looks like from our  point of view. We can’t pick and choose how we want people to take care of themselves because it looks insensitive to us because them being in a healthy state of mind might leave us behind, or they need time to themselves for an uncertain amount of time. The person who is taking care of self knows what that looks and feels like to them and because we love them we have to allow them to balance themselves in the best way that they know how.

We have so many people doing the opposite of taking care of themselves to the point of self deprecation and deprivation that it is leaving them in a void. Some of us become co-dependents to the state of martyrdom because it makes us look saintly but underneath we are miserable.

When we deplete ourselves because we have chosen to put others before ourselves over and over again in a way that is unhealthy it places emotional stress and tension on us that can present itself through mental and physical health issues. We have to balance out our energies in a way that replenishes us so that we are able to give to those we love and care for in ways that allow us to give of ourselves in the best light possible.

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