How to Cope with a whole Narcissistic Family?!

 How to Cope with a whole Narcissistic Family, Possible Solutions

Narcissists are particularly difficult for family members who can’t avoid them. Many people have some traits, but not the full disorder, people with a severe pattern of constant criticisms, arrogant statements, preoccupation with themselves, disparaging remarks, and demands for admiration.

You know that this not only gets very tiresome, it can also wear down your own self-esteem, be exhausting, and absorb a huge amount of your time without providing any benefit in return.

This message offers some enlightenment for coping. Do not call them a narcissist. This is always tempting, but it typically backfires and makes things worse. Usually calling someone a narcissist is intended to make them stop and think about the damage they are doing.

People with narcissistic personality disorder can’t reflect on their own behavior and instead become obsessed with proving that you are the one with a problem. They are better at doing that than you can ever be. It’s true that they do not self-reflect and gain insights from people’s feedback, no matter how constructive or intense it may be. Just forget about it! You’re not going to give them insight into themselves. And you may make your relationship worse.

Examples in Some cases in an adult child angrily confronted the parent, telling them they had narcissistic personality. Afterwards, the parent kept dropping by the house uninvited to say, “What you said about me just isn’t true, demanding apologies or I’ll keep coming back until you do. After all I have done for you, I can’t believe how ungrateful you are!”   Do not argue with them.

It doesn’t help to argue with them. They’re not going to have insights from your feedback. And you don’t need to defend yourself, because it isn’t about you. It’s really about them and their personality and lack of interpersonal skills. They tend to see things in all-or-nothing terms so that the fault is all yours and all the victimhood as theirs. You can’t change that. They constantly see themselves as victims-in-life, treated so unfairly by those around them, without any recognition of their own part in the problem—which may actually be the primary part of the problem. Arguing just puts them in the emotional parts of their brains where they shift into high gear of defensiveness.

For example, some relationships get hooked into arguments over who is the more intelligent person in the relationship. Narcissists continually put out subtle and blatant messages that their family members are less intelligent than themselves — observations, criticisms that just don’t stop. They must feel superior to feel okay. And even then, it’s a shaky feeling of superiority which they have to constantly shore up by putting others down. In high-conflicts, narcissists fill  with their stories of how incompetent financially, morally, and otherwise. Courtship stories of how wonderful they are and how special they will treat you become opposite: They put you down to protect their superior self-image. They’re just telling the “truth,” they insist. Don’t be surprised by this.

Do focus on choices, yours and theirs. People with narcissistic personalities are frequent complainers about their everyday lives. They insist that people treat them unfairly and without the great respect. They also do not see how their own behavior influences how others avoid them or criticize them in return. If your family member is talking to you in this manner, simply let them know that they have some choices in the situation.

Example, “That’s too bad. Sounds like you might want to put your energy somewhere else, or realize that so-and-so isn’t going to give you what you want. You always have a choice of what to do or who to be around. Good luck with that.” At the same time, it helps to know that you have choices, too. Being around a narcissist can be emotionally draining and trigger unnecessary self-criticism. You can choose to avoid them, limit your time together, or have someone else with you when you are around the person. Just thinking that you have choices often helps it feel less stressful. Also, know that you can choose to set limits. Do set limits on what you will do for them.

You cannot control a narcissist’s behavior; you can control your own. Instead of trying to get them to change, look at how you can change. One of the first places to look is at ways you may tolerate or support their narcissism. In many families, a narcissistic sibling or child slowly takes over by demanding the most attention and loyalty, insulting everyone (even parents), violating the family’s rules, and manipulating its decision-making. You do not have to cooperate.

You can withdraw your participation in their actions against others, or even behavior toward yourself: “If you’re going to speak to me that way, I’m going to have to end this conversation.” “I’m sorry, but I can’t go with you when you confront other family members, etc. I don’t agree that they have done anything wrong.”  

I have seen adult narcissists in court bring parents and siblings to support them in their legal conflicts such as lawsuits against neighbors, exes, former colleagues or employers, etc. The parents and siblings often appear worn out after a lifetime reluctantly coping with and trying to support their narcissistic family member; trying to placate them so they will calm down or not be angry with them.

The trouble is that this has no positive outcome. It’s better to set limits sooner rather than later.   Get support and consultation. People feel alone when dealing with a narcissistic family member.

Your own self-esteem may be worn down after all the insults, criticisms, and public humiliation. Yet with support from friends and/or professionals—such as counselors, lawyers, and others—you can get perspective and learn that you don’t have to be embarrassed. There are millions of narcissists and they are good at making their family members feel like they have a unique problem so that they are too ashamed to deal with it by speaking to others outside the family.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your family member may be suffering from a disorder they don’t understand and didn’t ask to have. Tolerating their dysfunction does no one any good.

I have seen many adult children, parents, siblings, and partners gain strength by discussing their situation with a therapist or with friends and deciding on a step-by-step course of action to stop enabling the narcissistic family member. In some cases, they end up cutting ties, but in many others, they learn to get some distance emotionally so that they no longer feel obligated to engage with their narcissism while still staying connected as a family.

As they say , “Let go with love.” This doesn’t have to mean having no contact. It can mean letting go of certain interactions, discussing certain topics, or having certain conversations at all. You can say, “I need to go now. Talk to you later.” And quickly move on. Over time it gets easier. Sometimes writing out what you are going to say in advance can give you confidence, including how you will respond to their predictable disparaging comments when you set limits. Or you can have a practice conversation with a counselor or friend before you have a limit-setting conversation in person. 

Conclusion, Millions of people have a narcissist in their family; you’re not alone. These and other tips may help you disengage from the emotional hold they have over you and others. You may be surprised at the energy, free time, and inner peace you gain. It’s not easy, but step by step, it may be possible.

May peace be with us all, always.

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Tough Times?! Mantra & Affirm it!!!

For difficult times these Mantras will help give you the strength so you can be Mentally strong in difficult emotions, staying calm & strong to overcome & survive.

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  • I can get through anything.
  • There are no problems, there are only challenges.
  • I welcome & appreciate the challenges into my life.
  • Challenges are opportunities to learn and grow.
  • I am safe and secure no matter what.
  • I can get through anything, win or lose.
  • I am getting stronger every day.
  • I attract financial abundance into my life now, I am ready & willing to receive all types of assistance.
  • My bills & debts are paid, and I will live freely. I will not live my life based on debt worries.
  • I am a strong and capable person.
  • Hard times will not get the best of me. I will continue to do my best, win or lose.
  • I can overcome obstacles, win or lose.
  • I release all negative emotions from the day.
  • I let go of any stress and anxiety from today.
  • I will learn what I need to from today, which will make me a stronger person.
  • I know that life is not meant to be easy, win or lose.
  • Tomorrow is a brand-new day.
  • I accept my lost each day, losing does not define me.
  • I am a strong person.
  • I can solve problems.
  • I will not let fear control me.
  • I can survive anything life throws at me.
  • I have the strength and courage to get through this.
  • I understand the challenges in my life.
  • I am ready to be the best version of myself.
  • I release all negativity from my life.
  • I am with joy and ease right now.
  • I do not have to solve this today.
  • I am doing what I can with the knowledge and skills I have.
  • I choose to let my mind rest right now.
  • I understand fear as a sign, to be careful.
  • I am doing my best; I release from guilt and shame.
  • I am the kind of person who can survive this storm.
  • Circumstances change, I feel more grateful for what I have.
  • I am not failure, but a survivor. I am in the process of surviving.
  • I commit to showing up tomorrow, I accept the mistakes I have made.
  • I am holding on in the dark, looking for the light and truth.
  • I will face sorts of trauma, & It will not be the last.
  • I am flexible, I can adapt when life does not go according to plans.
  • I have Courage to face the fear of danger, I am facing the danger despite my fear.
  • Problems are not solved by perfection; I am showing up as I am.
  • I will persevere along my path. I will accept when to let go, I will accept when to change course.
  • I will have to go this road alone. I have, or I can find people in my life to support or inspire me.
  • I am love; my life is important & meaningful, despite my losses.
  • My Life is of constant change.
  • My pain is real, but my pain is not forever.
  • This is just a chapter in my life.
  • May Peace Be with You All.
  • May Peace Be With Me All the Days of My Life.

2020 Affirmations (Work Your Energy)

  1. I open my heart to love & creative inspiration, I choose to create happiness in every new day.
  2. I see the value in my everyday life. I am open to abundance.
  3. I open myself to deeper experiences & happiness, I know that i am the loving family that i need.
  4. I am strong, free, and i choose peace and able to choose what honors me.
  5. I open my life to wonderful people in beneficial connections in my personal and professional life.
  6. I release fear, i move forward with trust and courage.
  7. I release pain and past, i live with compassion for myself and love heals & renews me.
  8. I have the power to overcome any obstacle. I am strong, confident, & self-directed.
  9. I open my heart to spiritual truth, deeper connection with the Holy Spirit. I accept Holy guidance and inspiration.
  10. I have dignity and awareness.
  11. I open my heart to caring connection.
  12. I choose to see and appreciate , and value all around me.  I am attracting more to be grateful for.
  13. I am patient and flexible and willing to receive in surprising ways. I am responsible for my life. I take action towards my happiness.
  14. I let go of fear and worry. I will live in peace.
  15. I will make relaxation a daily part of my life.
  16. I let go of lack. I let go of jealousy. I let go of envy.
  17. I am flexible and persistent and prepared in taking steps toward my goals.
  18. All that i need is already apart of me.
  19. I release stuck energy, old habits, and restrictions on my life daily. My life will be open to reality.
  20. I am honest with myself & others, I attract honesty, integrity and support.
  21. I am receiving  peaceful and kind treatment that i deserve in my life. I will make reasonable requests, set boundaries, and make my expectations clear.
  22. It is safe and comfortable for me to move on, i consider my options and take actions on my behalf.
  23. I’m achieving great things within myself.
  24. I have powerful energy and a world full of possibilities.
  25. I will relax and connect with my wisdom and power.
  26. I will attract more love and tenderness to myself.
  27. I am strong and focused, i have the power.
  28. I am strong, safe, and stable and i will secure myself with the Holy Spirit.
  29. I am open to a healthy state of mind and a physical healthy state of being.
  30. My personal vision guides me, my thoughts are peaceful and in a clear state of decisions.
  31. The world supports me in my financial goals.
  32. I am emotionally calm and peaceful and i attract healthy and stable people.
  33. I am comfortable with all my emotions. I will honor and express in healthy ways.
  34. I will learn new things.
  35. I will open up to wisdom in my mind and heart.
  36. I will live a centered life, i will take care of myself.
  37.  The powerful healing of eternal love is with me and will forever be wit me. I am whole.
  38. I have strong intuition with the Father GOD, Son Jesus Christ & Holy Spirit.
  39. My magic happens when i live in consciousness & eternal truth.
  40. May Peace Be with Me all the Days of my life.

 

 

Codependency

Understanding codependency, Your Self Awareness, Learning to Parent Yourself, Learning to Validate your emotions, trauma, whether you’re highly sensitive or overly emotional.

UNTANGLING YOURSELF-from Others, Owning the emotion & Getting to know yourself by Loving yourself with compassion. Codependents get themselves entangled in other people’s problems trying to fix, control, rescue, give advice, or force solutions on people who often don’t want or may need change. These behaviors, although meaning well, are frustrating for everyone involved. We get frustrated because we usually can’t affect change. Focusing on other people’s problems  distracts us from owning our part in the problems & changing ourselves. These controlling & rescuing behaviors strain relationships. Loved ones resent our demanding & ultimatums. Our emotions may also be dependent on other people’s feelings. It might be that when your Other is in a good mood, you’re in a good mood and when they’re in a bad mood, you are in a bad mood. You may have difficulty recognizing your own feelings; you’ve become detached from yourself because you’re constantly concerned about how other people feel. We can untangle ourselves from others by learning to detach with love and stop enabling. Detaching is similar to setting healthy boundaries. Detaching puts healthy emotional, physical space between you & Others, so you & the Other have freedom to make your own choices, & have your own feelings. Detaching can include leaving uncomfortable, unsafe situations, saying “no”, or refraining yourself from giving advice.

Reflection: Do you enable, tangle yourself up in other people’s lives or problems? What boundaries will help you detach, prioritize your needs? How do you feel? .

OWNING YOUR PART- Denial is a self-protective measure that we use to deal with our overwhelming pain. Denial tries to shield us from our anger, despair, shame, it becomes a barrier to changing codependent patterns. We struggle to own our part in dysfunctional relationships, we tend to blame others. When we blame others, we act like victims, putting our happiness on whether other people will change. Gaining awareness means accepting responsibility, but not assuming responsibility for what other adults do. You aren’t responsible for others decisions. You are responsible for your happiness, health, which means you have choices and can take charge.

Reflection: If you’re having trouble seeing a situation objectively, do you have a trusted friend who can help see things from a different perspective? Do you blame others for your unhappiness? Can you empower yourself , solving your problems?

KNOWING YOURSELF– codependent families prevents us from developing a understanding of ourselves. Fear is used to force us to conform to family norms & we weren’t allowed or encouraged to explore our own interests,  beliefs during childhood. We learn to suppress who we are to please others. In adulthood, we stay  or focus on other people,  that we really don’t know who we are, what we like, or what we want. We become defined by our roles, instead of the complex individuals that we are. Codependency recovering has to include getting to know ourselves.Getting to know ourselves isn’t selfish, its healthy & respect for ourselves. It means that we care about ourselves, we are curious about who we are.

Reflection: What do you like to do? How do you like to be treated? What are your goals? What do you believe?

LOVE YOURSELF– We do this through COMPASSION, accepting imperfections & mistakes, self care & Self-love, being kind to yourself, instead of being critical about your flaws. Self-love is your basic physical need,  getting sleep, eating healthy food, exercise, taking medications your doctor has prescribed,  setting boundaries, your opinions, asking for what you need, making time for fun, social connection. If you’re not used to taking care of yourself, it will feel uncomfortable for a while, but with each step of compassion, self-care, you are taking solid steps to love yourself.

Reflection: What is one thing you can do for your emotional health everyday? What is one thing you can do for your physical health everyday? What are you saying to yourself when you make mistakes? What can you tell yourself that would be understanding, supportive & compassionate?

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Selflove & Selfcare SELFISH TO OTHERS?!

Is selflove & selfcare selfish to others? I’ve spent long years telling myself I cannot afford to slowdown, To have even 10 minutes of me time, I have to hustle and work more. Doing that for too long, you will find yourself incredibly exhausted.

It’s time for things to change. Self-care  spending a few minutes each day doing nothing. No thinking, no social media, nothing. Get in touch with your body, your inner self.

It starts from there. Reasons you shouldn’t feel selfish for taking care of yourself.

Authenticity. The moment you decide to give yourself a few minutes of the day, you’re also allowing yourself to be more authentic. If you think you already do, think again.

Try it for a month, don’t wait for the weekends; put in a little extra effort and commit to doing something every day for yourself. It won’t take long before you see some parts of yourself you never thought existed. It allows you to determine which parts are authentically yours and which aren’t—we all have aspects in us that are copied from someone else.

You can only help others if you’re helping yourself first, physically, mentally and spiritually. Desire, passion are not enough. You need a healthy body, open mind to function, which aren’t present if you’re filled with self-doubt. It’s not going to be easy, but worth it. The road to self-care is a tricky one. But it’s necessary. Pretending to be strong 24/7 doesn’t last long. The strength must come from within. It helps you go from existing to living.

Existing is simply being on this tiny blue dot called Earth. Living is experiencing everything this tiny blue dot has to offer. Which are you doing? Are you going to wait for your retirement before you decide you want to enjoy life? for yourself? Although we have responsibilities paying bills, raising children, etc.

We’re also responsible for taking care of ourselves. It will help you find your purpose. You’ve probably asked that question countless times. You might have days, weeks or months where you feel down, unsatisfied, feeling like there should be something more. It’s your body signaling you to take a leap into the unknown, because your purpose is out there, waiting.

How do you know when you find it? You just do. Self-care means trusting yourself. It means being willing to go out in the wild or dig deep. It might be scary, but there’s really no other way to figure out what you’re supposed to do in this world. Practicing self-care and building trust between you and your inner self will help you find purpose in life.

Self-care can be Empowering, as you need it to be.

 Selfcare is not narcissism
For years now  people say that they are being selfish or narcissistic. The suggestion to take care of yourself first gets a bad rap when we begin to do so in the sense that it says “no” to someone else; or we don’t like what the art of taking care of self looks like from our  point of view. We can’t pick and choose how we want people to take care of themselves because it looks insensitive to us because them being in a healthy state of mind might leave us behind, or they need time to themselves for an uncertain amount of time. The person who is taking care of self knows what that looks and feels like to them and because we love them we have to allow them to balance themselves in the best way that they know how.

We have so many people doing the opposite of taking care of themselves to the point of self deprecation and deprivation that it is leaving them in a void. Some of us become co-dependents to the state of martyrdom because it makes us look saintly but underneath we are miserable.

When we deplete ourselves because we have chosen to put others before ourselves over and over again in a way that is unhealthy it places emotional stress and tension on us that can present itself through mental and physical health issues. We have to balance out our energies in a way that replenishes us so that we are able to give to those we love and care for in ways that allow us to give of ourselves in the best light possible.

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