Understanding codependency, Your Self Awareness, Learning to Parent Yourself, Learning to Validate your emotions, trauma, whether you’re highly sensitive or overly emotional.
UNTANGLING YOURSELF-from Others, Owning the emotion & Getting to know yourself by Loving yourself with compassion. Codependents get themselves entangled in other people’s problems trying to fix, control, rescue, give advice, or force solutions on people who often don’t want or may need change. These behaviors, although meaning well, are frustrating for everyone involved. We get frustrated because we usually can’t affect change. Focusing on other people’s problems distracts us from owning our part in the problems & changing ourselves. These controlling & rescuing behaviors strain relationships. Loved ones resent our demanding & ultimatums. Our emotions may also be dependent on other people’s feelings. It might be that when your Other is in a good mood, you’re in a good mood and when they’re in a bad mood, you are in a bad mood. You may have difficulty recognizing your own feelings; you’ve become detached from yourself because you’re constantly concerned about how other people feel. We can untangle ourselves from others by learning to detach with love and stop enabling. Detaching is similar to setting healthy boundaries. Detaching puts healthy emotional, physical space between you & Others, so you & the Other have freedom to make your own choices, & have your own feelings. Detaching can include leaving uncomfortable, unsafe situations, saying “no”, or refraining yourself from giving advice.
Reflection: Do you enable, tangle yourself up in other people’s lives or problems? What boundaries will help you detach, prioritize your needs? How do you feel? .
OWNING YOUR PART- Denial is a self-protective measure that we use to deal with our overwhelming pain. Denial tries to shield us from our anger, despair, shame, it becomes a barrier to changing codependent patterns. We struggle to own our part in dysfunctional relationships, we tend to blame others. When we blame others, we act like victims, putting our happiness on whether other people will change. Gaining awareness means accepting responsibility, but not assuming responsibility for what other adults do. You aren’t responsible for others decisions. You are responsible for your happiness, health, which means you have choices and can take charge.
Reflection: If you’re having trouble seeing a situation objectively, do you have a trusted friend who can help see things from a different perspective? Do you blame others for your unhappiness? Can you empower yourself , solving your problems?
KNOWING YOURSELF– codependent families prevents us from developing a understanding of ourselves. Fear is used to force us to conform to family norms & we weren’t allowed or encouraged to explore our own interests, beliefs during childhood. We learn to suppress who we are to please others. In adulthood, we stay or focus on other people, that we really don’t know who we are, what we like, or what we want. We become defined by our roles, instead of the complex individuals that we are. Codependency recovering has to include getting to know ourselves.Getting to know ourselves isn’t selfish, its healthy & respect for ourselves. It means that we care about ourselves, we are curious about who we are.
Reflection: What do you like to do? How do you like to be treated? What are your goals? What do you believe?
LOVE YOURSELF– We do this through COMPASSION, accepting imperfections & mistakes, self care & Self-love, being kind to yourself, instead of being critical about your flaws. Self-love is your basic physical need, getting sleep, eating healthy food, exercise, taking medications your doctor has prescribed, setting boundaries, your opinions, asking for what you need, making time for fun, social connection. If you’re not used to taking care of yourself, it will feel uncomfortable for a while, but with each step of compassion, self-care, you are taking solid steps to love yourself.
Reflection: What is one thing you can do for your emotional health everyday? What is one thing you can do for your physical health everyday? What are you saying to yourself when you make mistakes? What can you tell yourself that would be understanding, supportive & compassionate?
Tips for Coming Out as lesbian, gay, bisexual
Don’t feel pressured.
Don’t label yourself if you don’t want to.
You don’t have to choose between your faith and your sexuality.
Most religions have groups for their lesbian, gay and bisexual followers. Go online to find a group near you. Read how other people came out.
Tell one person.
Forget the stereotypes.
You’ll be protected at school, college and university.
Think about the positives.
Some people do have negative experiences.
Give people time.
Start living! You will be amazed at how free you will feel once you have come out.
Consider the timing. Determine whether this is the right time. Be in a good place in your life. Be realistic and anticipate what their reactions will be. Arm yourself with answers ahead of time. Be ready for the “hellfire and damnation” argument. Stay calm, even if your parents aren’t. Their approval or permission is not required. Know when and how to make your exit. In the end, know that they love you.
If you have Faith in Him, you will have True Life” JOHN 20:30-31.
I am The Bread that Gives Life! JOHN 6:47-51
I am The Light for the World! JOHN 8:12
I am The Gate for the Sheep. JOHN 10:7-10
I am The Good Shepherd. JOHN 10:11-16
I am The One Who Raises the Dead to Life! JOHN 11:25-27
I am The Way, The Truth, and The Life! JOHN 14:6
I am The Vine. JOHN 15:5-7
Why are people mean to nice people? Short answer, They’re hurt! Long answer, They’re really hurt! Some point, somebody, their parents, their lovers, a close one, did them dirty & hurt them, they were crushed & they’re still afraid the pain will never stop, or that it will happen again. Some people you can be nice and sincere too, some people who may perceive you as a possible threat, you will have to deal with them accordingly. Basically, you will have to keep them within arm’s length but not within your personal space. People who are bad and mean to the nice ones, are those who are generally weak and try to prove they’re not by displaying a hostile attitude. Sometimes they do it because they’re resentful for being treated that way at some point of their lives. The fact is that we’ve all been hurt, and we’re all wounded, but not all of us are mean. We have both the capacity and the obligation to do better. How people treat other people is a reflection of how they may truly feel about themselves.
By nature, I am a happy, optimistic, idealistic person. I have always been one to look on the bright side and see the good in people. My thoughts about life is that the world is full of brightness, love, and possibilities to seize. Recently, though, my thoughts began to fade in the face of a mild depression. I began to cry a lot and retreat into myself rather than being social and opening up, which only furthered the problem. I felt alone, miserable, and, try as I might, I could not regain that feeling of the world being beautiful.
I felt like something had crawled into my mind and turned all the positive switches off and the negative ones on. I felt hopeless, like it was more of a disease than a feeling.
Before the depression, I was a kind, gentle, and compassionate person. Sometimes I was even too gentle, afraid to bring up anything that might offend someone else or damage our relationship.
I didn’t understand how other people could be mean, rude, or offensive toward strangers or friends. I took it personally when people were rude with me, believing they were truly out to get me for something I’d done. When someone is rude for no reason, especially a stranger, it’s rarely a personal assault, even if you accidentally did something to irritate them. People aren’t mean for the sport of it, or because they are against you; people are mean to cope. I felt unlovable, undesirable, antisocial, and I needed a way to cope with these feelings by giving myself an alter ego that deserved to be disliked for reasons I could understand. When you find that people are being rude to you in your everyday life, they are really being mean to themselves. They have likely convinced themselves that they are unworthy of love, and that is the biggest tragedy of all. You can simply recognize that the person being rude is struggling with their own problems, and needs a way to cope with them. You cannot control the actions and behaviors of others, only your personal reactions to them. If you yourself are the one who has been unkind, it is time for self-reflection.
Why do you attack people?
What are you trying to protect yourself from?
Should I change my outlook, so I pushed myself to see the good in myself and the reasons why I’m likable; as a result, I began to see the good in others again too. It’s not an easy process, and for many, it requires therapy and months of time. However, you can begin your journey back to kindness by being kinder to yourself. Listen closely to your destructive, self-critical thoughts.
Are they based in reality, or are you fabricating them?
If you criticize yourself because you feel guilty about things you did in the past, work on nurturing self-forgiveness, just as you’d forgive a loved one for those same mistakes.
If you criticize yourself because you were raised to believe you were a bad person, recognize this isn’t true, and know that you can choose to heal and challenge this belief as an adult. Try to look at yourself from an outside perspective and remind yourself of all the unique and beautiful qualities you possess and have the ability to share with the world. With enough time and effort, you will begin to see the pattern in your unkind behavior and its link to your own anger at yourself. The most important thing to remember, whether you are receiving or giving unkindness, is that you are inherently good, too, and deserve to be loved. Bless.